Why Did You Grow A Beard?
by The Geeky Saxophonist
Summary: Vash grows a beard, which the girls and Wolfwood completely and utterly despise. What in the name of Gunsmoke will they do to get rid of it, and how far will Vash go to prevent losing his new-found facial fuzz? Insanity ensues!
1. Chapter 1

**AUTHOR'S NOTES!**

This story was inspired by this hideous doodle of Vash with a beard I drew at school a few months ago. It's been kicking around in my head for a while and I'm finally getting it in to words, thank goodness!

The title is from the They Might Be Giants song, "Why Did You Grow A Beard?", since the lyrics are hysterical and could easily go with the story.

Just to make sure everyone knows, I have nothing against beards, I think they are very awesome but they just don't look good on Vash!  
ENJOY!!!!!!!!

**WHY DID YOU GROW A BEARD?**

**CHAPTER 1**

The Planet Gunsmoke: a barren, sandy planet where humans live, aided by plants who provide them with the necessities they need to survive. Along with the humans and plants live countless bands of outlaws and ne'er-do-wells, who are constantly chased after by sheriffs and bounty hunters alike. A rather chaotic planet, if you think about it.

Our story takes place on this planet of sand, in a somewhat small, rather peaceful town in-between the larger cities of April and May. Around noontime is where the real action begins...

"My god, you'd think it'd be easier to pick that man out of a crowd," complained a short, dark-haired agent of the Bernadelli Insurance Society by the name of Meryl Stryfe.

Because of its convenient location between the two larger cities, the lively town of Corning made for a good halfway stop for the sand-steamer line. Unfortunately, this also caused the formation of large crowds around the station, and made it rather difficult to get in to the town itself.

"I'm sure he's around here somewhere," reassured Millie Thompson, Meryl's much taller co-worker. "Mr. Vash promised us he'd meet us here."

"I know, but its _Vash_." Meryl stressed the syllable of the outlaw's name. "You never know with him. Do you see him anywhere?"

The taller insurance girl clearly had the advantage of height in this situation. "Nope, but there are so many people, so I'm sure he's nearby!" Millie replied optimistically.

"He'd better be," Meryl grumbled, frustrated that she could barely see above the shoulders of the majority of people. Either they were all growing up to be taller, or she was just really short. The second was probably true.

In the confusion of the mess of people, the girls did not notice, the tall, mysterious-looking man who approached them from behind.

"Hey, you two!"

Meryl and Millie whipped around at the voice. A strange man with a scraggly blond beard and ragged red coat smiled cheerily at them, arms outstretched.

The girls took this as a threat. In a heartbeat, Millie had her giant stun-gun aimed at the alleged attacker's face and Meryl wielded both one of her various Derringers and a small, yet menacing, canister of pepper spray.

"Get away, you creeper!" Meryl shrieked, finger pressing threateningly on the trigger of the small gun and the lid of the canister. She was not in the mood to deal with yet another perverted outlaw. There were so many of them lurking around on this planet…

The man instantly wilted. "Oh please oh please, don't shoot me, or spray that pepper spray in my eyes! I'll do anything!" he wailed, falling to his knees with hands clasped together pleadingly.

Only one man the girls knew would break down sobbing like that in the face of danger. One man, whose blond hair stuck up like a broom, wore a long red coat, and was wanted for sixty billion double dollars: Vash the Stampede.

"Mr. Vash, is that you?" Millie inquired, lowering her enormous gun.

The bearded man nodded, fingers laced across his eyes. "Yes, it's me. Please tell Meryl to get the pepper spray away from my face!" the Humanoid Typhoon whimpered.

Cautiously, Meryl slid both the malevolent can and Derringer back inside her coat. "Sorry, we didn't recognize you…" She stared at the fuzziness on Vash's face. "Why _did_ you grow a beard?"

The gunman ran his hand over his stubbly chin as if he'd forgotten about it. "Oh yeah, I did," Vash grinned and his aqua-blue eyes sparkled roguishly. "I thought it'd make me look even more handsome!" Millie giggled and Meryl sighed in exasperation, yet the gunman took no notice of the second's reaction and continued. "Plus, it'll keep people from recognizing me as quickly! No one will know I'm the most wanted outlaw on the entire planet!" He posed proudly.

A few people turned to stare at Vash, who then giggled nervously. "Just kidding."

The onlookers turned away again, although now mumbling amongst themselves.

"Smooth, Vash. Smooth." Meryl grumbled with her palm cupped over her face.

"Maybe we should get out of this crowd," Millie suggested.

"Great idea!" Vash's furry face crinkled into a smile as he scooped up the girls' bags. "Come on, I reserved you two a room at one of the nicer hotels around here!"

"Aw, thanks, Mr. Vash!" Millie said, taking up pace alongside the outlaw and making conversation with him.

Meryl just stood there for a moment, watching them go. Vash could be so unpredictable, but at least he hadn't trashed the town… yet. With another exasperated sigh, the insurance girl followed after her cheerful friend and the bizarre gunman.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2**

Nicholas D. Wolfwood was undeniably frustrated. After waiting in line for nearly half an hour at Hotel Johnston, he learned that all of the rooms were booked.

"What do you mean, 'there are no rooms left'? Where the _hell_ am I supposed to stay?" the priest demanded.

The employee at the counter shrugged. "Sorry, sir, but when the sand-steamer comes in, the rooms get taken quickly," he apologized. "I'm sure there are some rooms available at the inn down the street."

Wolfwood shook his head firmly. "There is _no_ way I'm spending the night at that hole-in-the-wall! I've stayed in some pretty crappy places in the past, but I'd rather sleep in the middle of the desert than in that dump!"

"I don't blame you," the employee shuddered. The Radley Inn had quite the horrid reputation in Corning. "But I'm sorry, sir, there are no rooms left."

Hefting his cross over his shoulder, Wolfwood thanked the employee anyway and dejectedly made his way to the door. Head down and wondering where he'd rough the night, the priest almost missed the trio entering. He actually would have missed them if it wasn't for a familiar voice shouting "Mr. Priest!"

Much to his surprise, it was the girls--although it was Millie he really noticed.

"Hey!" Wolfwood grinned, sufficiently cheered up at seeing his friends. "How've you been, I haven't seen you two in a while!"

"We've been doing great, Mr. Wolfwood!" Millie replied cheerfully. "How about you?"

Before the clergyman could respond, a voice piped up. "Hey, what about me?"

Wolfwood looked over towards the source of the comment and his jaw dropped several feet.

"Spikey, what the _hell_ is all over your face?"

Vash flashed his teeth in a silly, Vash-esque smile, which was even sillier due to the hair all over his face. "Why, Wolfwood, it's a beard!"

"I'm not even going to ask what possessed you to grow that," the priest said, shaking his head and waving his free hand in a no-thank-you gesture.

"Good thinking," Meryl mumbled discreetly and Millie gave him sort of a concerned look that symbolized their distaste. _Good, the girls are as displeased with it as me,_ Wolfwood reflected.

"Are you staying at this hotel, too?" Millie asked, welcomingly changing the subject.

"I was planning to, but there aren't any rooms left." Wolfwood shrugged. "So I've got to find some place to stay that isn't that nasty-looking Radley Inn down the street."

"Hey, you can stay with me, if you'd like," Vash offered. "There's an extra bed in my room."

"I think I'll see what else's in town--" Wolfwood said, attempting to slink away. The prospect of rooming with Vash in the first place was rather hard for him to stomach, but with a bearded Vash? Out of the question!

"Nonsense, there aren't any other decent hotels around here," the legendary outlaw said, matter-of-factly. "It's either here or that decrepit excuse for an inn. And I won't have any friend of mine staying there!"

_Oh god, what a difficult decision!_ Wolfwood thought. _Either one will be like hell... and either one I choose, Vash will make me stay with him. _He clenched his jaw in dissatisfaction for a few beats before responding.

"Alright, Vash, I'll take you up on that offer," the clergyman mumbled, defeated.

"Hooray! We're roomies now! Come on, let me show you our hip bachelor pad!" the Humanoid Typhoon declared gleefully and rather dork-like. Slinging the cross over his shoulder and grabbing Wolfwood by the arm, Vash began dragging his reluctant roommate towards their quarters, which caused quite the commotion in the lobby.

The girls watched as Vash toted away Wolfwood, who shot them a "please save me" kind of look before he disappeared up the staircase.

"Have fun, Mr. Priest!" Millie called after him.

"We'd better get to our room, Millie," Meryl said. "I have the feeling that we have a hectic week ahead of us."


	3. Chapter 3

**AUTHOR'S NOTES!**

Hey readers! I'm sorry I haven't updated recently, I've been very busy with school and had some slight writer's block! I hope you enjoy this chapter and the madness that is soon to come!

**CHAPTER 3**

The twin suns of Gunsmoke peeked over the horizon in their daily ascension in to the sky as they should when morning came. Vash had gotten up at the crack of dawn, whereas Wolfwood would have preferred to sleep another hour or two (or three).

"Up and at 'em!" Vash announced loudly, bringing Wolfwood in to wakefulness rather abruptly. His dark eyes shot open to see an unfamiliar face staring at him.

"Oh my _freaking_ god!" Wolfwood shrieked, jerking away frantically, which caused his sheets to tangle. "Who the hell are you and what are you doing here?"

The man blinked, insulted. "It's me, Vash."

The priest exhaled, regaining his breath. "Ah, sorry, Spikey. Didn't recognize you." he gasped. He'd never get used to Vash's beard; even though it'd been less than 24 hours he'd been exposed to it he already did not care for it one bit.

"Well, you certainly sound awake now," Wolfwood's outlaw roommate commented.

"No, I'm still tired," the clergyman scowled. "I'm going back to sleep." He yanked his sheets back over his head.

"Alrighty then. I'm going to take a shower," Vash said. "Then I'll get us some breakfast, okay?"

"Whatever."

_Maybe he'll shave,_ Wolfwood thought hopefully, but had the feeling that it wasn't going to happen. The shower started, creating a persistent, irritating droning sound that prevented the priest from getting any more rest. To make it even worse, Vash started warbling. Wolfwood cursed and _really_ wished his bike hadn't croaked on him in the middle of the desert and he'd gotten to Corning sooner so he would've gotten a room of his own before they were all sold to the stupid people from the sand-steamer...

Then, all of a sudden, he realized that he needed to pee. Very badly.

The priest slid out of bed and pounded on the bathroom door, but Vash was too busy singing his silly, bearded head off to hear him. Wolfwood wasn't just going to barge in and relieve himself since there was no way in hell he wanted to chance seeing Spikey naked.

"Damn it!" Wolfwood groaned, slipping into his shoes and stamping out into the hallway.

The girls had just barely woken up when someone knocked on their door.

"Ugh, I'll bet you that's Vash," Meryl grumbled, disappearing deeper in to her sheets. "What in the world does he want this early?"

"I'll check!" Millie eagerly slid out of bed, excited at the prospect of visitors even at this hour. Meryl wondered how that girl could wake up so quickly sometimes. "Ah, it's not Vash!" the tall girl called back as she opened the door.

_Thank goodness,_ Meryl thought. "Then who is it?" she called back. God, she needed some coffee.

"Hey, can I use your bathroom? Since Vash is showering in ours and the one in the lobby is locked for some stupid reason and I _really_ need to pee!"

The panicky voice definitely belonged Wolfwood. Apparently Millie had allowed him to do what he needed since she heard the bathroom door close.

"That was Mr. Wolfwood. Vash is using the shower and the bathrooms are locked and he had to go so I let him use ours," Millie explained.

"I heard."

"Thanks, girls, I'll go back to my room now," Wolfwood said, with a sigh of relief.

"Not a problem!" Millie replied.

"Did Vash shave?" Meryl asked hopefully from beneath her blankets.

"Not that I know of." The priest shrugged sadly. "Last I heard, he was singing a song about being the eggman or the walrus or something while showering. Sorry to bug you, thanks again!" The doorknob clicked as Wolfwood shut the door behind him.

When Wolfwood got back in to his and Vash's shared hotel room, the crazy outlaw was still singing the weird walrus song, although the shower had stopped. And wouldn't you know, the famed gunman was already clad in his trademark red duster, ready to go out to town. Still bearded, unfortunately.

"Where'd you run off to?" Vash inquired.

"I had to pee," was Wolfwood's grunted reply as he kicked off his shoes and went back in to bed. "I'm going to sleep. Again."

"How did getting to the bathroom involve leaving the room?" the bearded outlaw asked, slightly baffled.

"While you were showering, I couldn't use the bathroom, and then the one downstairs wasn't open, so I had to use the girls'," the priest mumbled in an irritated tone. He really wasn't much of a morning person. Working at the orphanage had helped remedy this, but with all the time spent away, the old habits had crept back.

"Oh, sorry about that," Vash replied. "I'm going to get some doughnuts for breakfast, okay?"  
"Wonderful." Doughnuts for breakfast. That would truly be wonderful. And just as Wolfwood was falling back to sleep…

"Meow!"

The priest was immediately reawakened. A small black cat was sitting on the windowsill, meowing its silly head off much like the silly bearded Vash had in the shower. And the little creature seemed to have no intention of stopping anytime soon.

"God help me," Wolfwood grunted.

"Meooooooooow!" the cat yowled.

Thus began one of the craziest weeks in the clergyman's life.


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4**

Following Vash the Stampede around to make sure he stayed out of trouble was a rather tedious task for the two Bernadelli insurance agents, although it got to Meryl _much_ quicker than Millie. The outlaw was quite enough as he was: silly, unpredictable, generally irritating. Adding a beard to the mix? Meryl was just about ready to either turn him in for the bounty or use one of her Derringers on the broom-headed nutcase (although Vash seemed more fearful of her can of Mace than her guns).

Needless to say, the short insurance girl was exhausted after the first day of supervising the red-coated, spiky-haired liability after her much-too-short vacation. She was currently sprawled out on the hotel's bed where she had crashed as soon as she'd been able.

"I'd almost forgotten how stressful it was keeping that idiot from blowing up half the town," Meryl sighed, covering her eyes with her hands.

"Me too! I thought that the truck was going to explode after Mr. Vash tripped while helping Mr. Lawerence!" the ever-cheerful Millie replied.

"Why did we even let him help load explosives in the first place?"

The scene unwillingly replayed itself in Meryl's head.

"Be careful with that box!" Lawerence, a middle-aged man who ran Corning's explosives supplier for Gunsmoke's army, warned.

"Don't worry, sir, careful is my middle name!" Vash replied, throwing a salute. Unfortunately, the outlaw's boot caught on a stone, causing him to lose his balance. The crate of explosives was on a one-way path of collision with the truck's tank.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" the Humanoid Typhoon screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" Lawerence screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" Meryl and Millie screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" the fleeing bystanders screamed.

The girls and Lawerence dove for cover, awaiting the imminent explosion from when the box of very dangerous explosives smashed in to the truck's full tank of gasoline.

No such thing happened.

Cautiously, the insurance agents and Lawerence peeked from their hiding place. Instead of a huge fireball, they saw the red-coated gunman casually loading the crate in to the truck.

Vash had somehow managed to stop the disaster from occurring. How so, no one was sure, but Lawerence decided he didn't really need any more help, thank you very much.

Meryl seriously couldn't remember why they'd allowed Vash to aid the local explosives supplier. How did Vash, with his luck, even _manage_ to make it by without attracting attention in a town with an explosives supplier anyways?

"That damned outlaw nearly gave me a heart attack!" Meryl sat up and shrugged off her coat. "And that beard—it doesn't look good on him at all! It makes being around him even less tolerable! Plus, he looks so much better without it..." the insurance girl trailed off when she realized what she was saying.

Millie grinned.

"Not like that!!" Meryl shouted.

Her chipper co-worker held back a giggle. "Right."

Was it that obvious that she... _sort_ of liked that stupid, unruly gunman? She had to admit, he didn't look that bad without that disaster of a beard... _Snap out of it, Meryl_, she scolded herself. _There are plenty of normal guys on this planet that you can get mushy about._

Millie was still giving her that "I know what you really think about Mr. Vash" look. Trying to prevent the tall girl from seeing her blushing, Meryl stormed over to the desk. "I'm going to write some reports."

For a while, it was quiet, save for the sound of the typewriter's keys clicking furiously.

Suddenly, Millie piped up with the best idea Meryl had heard in weeks.

"I was thinking," she said, "why don't we just ask Mr. Vash to shave? He'd probably do it, you know, especially if you asked him."

Meryl immediately jumped up and hugged her fellow insurance agent. "You're a genius, Millie!"

**Author's notes!**

I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! I'm going to get to the real action before long, I promise. I actually was not planning to have any VashxMeryl, but it kind of happened and I went with it. Thanks for reading!!!!


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER 5**

The girls' plan to get rid of the Sixty Billion Double Dollar Man's beard was a good one in theory, but ultimately unsuccessful. It proceeded as follows:

"Vash, will you please shave?" Meryl asked as sweetly as she could muster.

"No thank you, I like my beard very much," Vash responded, with a charming, fuzzy smile.

As a result, a new plan began forming…

Meanwhile, Wolfwood's first few nights with Vash as a "roomie" were awkward, on the priest's part. He was used to spending time alone, not with a crazy doughnut-loving outlaw. The man woke up way too early for Wolfwood's liking, sung weird songs in the shower, and got on the priest's nerves oh so easily. Vash wouldn't even allow the priest to smoke anywhere but outside the hotel, despite the fact they had a smoking room. And to top it off, he'd had to look at Vash's beard for all that time. Not. Fun.

That's why Wolfwood opted to ask Millie out for the evening, just to get away from Vash for a while. It wasn't that he hated the outlaw; he was just spending _way_ too much time with him. Plus, Wolfwood had to admit, he was rather fond of that insurance agent. And with asking Millie out came the news of the girls' plan to get rid of Spikey's beard.

"...and since we asked him to shave and he refused, Meryl had this idea," Millie was explaining, "since she really can't stand it much longer—"

"Neither can I," Wolfwood interjected.

The tall girl nodded in agreement. "She had this idea that you could let us in your room while Mr. Vash is asleep and we could get rid of it ourselves."

"She's that desperate, huh," Wolfwood remarked. He grinned. "I like it." Then a thought occurred to the priest. "But what about when he finds out about? He'll blame me, then I'm in for it."

"You'll tell him that you saw him get up and shave in his sleep." Millie giggled at the idea. "Sleep-shaving, like sleep-walking!"

"Ah." _This just might work,_ he thought. Wolfwood looked around quickly to make sure Vash hadn't randomly materialized and leaned in close to whisper. "Well, I'm in. Spikey's usually out by eleven, so if you two show up around twelve or so, you should be safe."

Millie grinned a supposedly evil grin, but there was no way that girl could ever look evil. "We'll be there," she replied.

"Great!" Wolfwood gave her a quick hug. "I'll see you later, then."

The priest eagerly awaited the girls' arrival to rid his roommate of that horrid beard. Before long, the clock claimed it was 11:48 and Vash was fast asleep. Wolfwood had made sure by poking the blond gunman in the shoulder a few times, and then tapped his forehead like he was sending a lengthy telegram. Nothing had happened, so the clergyman was sure that a little shaving wouldn't wake Vash.

There was a soft knock at the door.

Quietly, the priest crept to the door and let the visitors, or should I say, shavers, in.

"Thanks, Wolfwood," Meryl whispered as she and her co-worker slipped in.

"Not a problem," he replied, "anything to get rid of Spikey's beard."

The three of them silently surrounded Vash's bed and began removing the undesirable facial hair, ever so carefully. They were about halfway done when suddenly...

"Hey, Knives, will you please pass the lasagna?"

Meryl froze, the razor poised to remove the next fraction of beard.

"Rem, this is the _best_ dinner I've ever had!"

"He's talking in his sleep," Wolfwood breathed.

"Is he going to wake up?" Millie asked.

"I don't think so…" Wolfwood responded.

The outlaw rolled over, eyelids fluttering slightly. "Okay, I'll do the dishes now."

"Damn it, he _is_ waking up!" Wolfwood gasped, frantically motioning for the girls to back off. Millie nodded and Meryl swiftly wiped off the rest of the shaving cream on the unshaven half of his face.

"Stop wiping me, Knives, I'm not a plate," Vash complained, drowsily swatting the air. He was definitely regaining consciousness.

The girls realized this and darted out of the room while Wolfwood dove in to his bed and pretended to be asleep. Seconds after the door clicked shut and the blankets settled, Vash woke up.

"Hmm, I'm hungry," Wolfwood heard his roommate mutter as he got out of bed. "Did I forget to eat dinner again?"

_That was close_, the priest thought. _Once Vash falls back to sleep, I'll finish shaving off his beard._

Unfortunately, Wolfwood found he could not fake being asleep without actually falling asleep…

Meryl and Millie tumbled into their room, the adrenaline rush that got them back to their room in a gold-medal worthy time wearing off.

"That plan _almost_ worked," Meryl exhaled. "We almost got the whole beard, too..." she added, sounding very disappointed.

"Maybe he won't notice," Millie suggested, but even she knew Vash would notice that half of his face was clean-shaven.

"We'll find out in the morning, I guess," Meryl shrugged. "Let's just hope he doesn't make a scene out of it."


	6. Chapter 6

**AUTHOR'S NOTES!**

This chapter has been much-anticipated by my good friend TwilightStar7, and I have tried to incorporate as many of the ideas she had in as I can while still retaining the plotline I have in my head. I tried my best to get a bridge jump scene, but I don't know if I got what she had in mind! Anyways, this chapter is dedicated to her, and I hope you enjoy it! And bonus points to whoever can catch the Mama Luigi reference!

**CHAPTER 6**

"OH MY _GOD_!"

Wolfwood was jolted awake by hearing the Lord's name taken in vain. His eyes flew open to see a steaming mad Vash with a beard that covered only half his face. In a different situation, Wolfwood would've been guffawing like a hyena, but the outlaw's expression spelled death with a capital d.

"NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?" Vash roared. "WHERE'S MY BEARD?"

_Oh crap, I forgot to finish shaving Spikey!_ Wolfwood cursed inwardly. The priest jerked away from the raging, half-furry face as he tried to remember what Millie had told him to tell Vash. All he could think to say was:

"I didn't do anything!"

That was true. The girls had done the deed. He'd only let them in.

"Who else could've done it, huh?" Vash growled. "You're the only one who was in here last night, so it _must_ have been you!"

"It wasn't me, I swear to God!" Wolfwood shrieked.

Vash's normally aqua-colored eyes were burning red with hellfire. "You're lying!" He made as to tackle Wolfwood, who quickly rolled out of bed and crawled away as the blond gunman landed on the tangled sheets and blankets.

When Vash located the priest, he had made it through the doorway and was sprinting down the stairs.

"YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE!" the half-bearded outlaw bellowed.

Totally oblivious to the fact he was still in his pajamas, Wolfwood ran out of Hotel Johnston as fast as his feet would take him. He realized he was barefoot as soon as he hit the street, but he couldn't do anything about that now. A crazy man was after him, for God's sake!

Wolfwood could hear Vash close behind him. _I've got to shake him off somehow,_ he told himself. He quickly rounded the first corner he saw and shot down an alleyway.

"Phew, I lost him," Wolfwood panted, looking both left and right.

"HAH! YOU CAN'T ESCAPE ME THAT EASILY, BEARD-STEALER!"

Wolfwood looked up and shrieked. Vash was perched on a clothesline, ready to swoop in like a falcon after its prey. The priest stumbled out in to the streets once again. He heard a thump in the alleyway—Vash had dove, or fell. Either way, Wolfwood hazarded a look over his shoulder and saw the crazy, half-bearded outlaw hard on his heels.

People were filling up in the streets. The sand-steamer bound to May was leaving today, so the potential passengers needed to get tickets before they were sold out. An idea dawned on the panicked priest: he could hide in the crowd! Wolfwood thanked God for sand-steamer ticket rushes.

"Excuse me, pardon me, sorry, there's a madman after me," Wolfwood apologized as he pushed through the accumulating crowd. The pajama-clad priest ducked and weaved through the throng of people, sure that he lost Vash. He paused for a minute to regain his breath.

"WOLFWOOD!"

_Damn! How did Spikey find me in _this _crowd?_ Wolfwood desperately dove in to the center of a group of children, most likely on a field trip. The kids stared at him.

"Shh, that guy with half a beard," the clergyman whispered, "is out to get me."

The kids continued to stare at him like he had three heads. Wolfwood looked at them pleadingly, and they finally nodded in understanding when they sighted Vash.

"Quick, run that way, mister," one of the kids breathed, pointing at the loading dock for the sand-steamer. "We'll distract him!"

"Thanks, and God bless you!" Wolfwood cried thankfully, and sprinted off.

Vash spotted him and tried to pursue, but got caught in the mess of children.

"Darn it! I would've caught him if it wasn't for you meddling kids!" the half-bearded Humanoid Typhoon scolded them.

Wolfwood quickly climbed up the scaffolding and on to the catwalk where the workers were loading cargo that the crane had brought up aboard the sand-steamer. He looked about, certain he had escaped the wrath of the shaven outlaw. Vash would never be crazy enough to follow him up here…

The catwalk creaked behind him under the weight of another man.

"I've got you now," laughed a crazed voice.

Scratch that, Vash _was_ crazy enough to follow him up here.

The priest wasn't sure what possessed him to do what he did next.

He jumped.

He fell for hours, or at least felt like hours, screaming "GOD PLEASE SAVE ME!" The crowd waiting for the sand-steamer stared in fearful awe, awaiting the man to hit the ground with a splat. But the Lord had heard his plea, and thankfully, Wolfwood landed in a conveniently placed open-topped truck of laundry.

"I'LL GET YOU, NICHOLAS, IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!" Vash shrieked from a dizzying twenty or so feet above the ground.

Wolfwood stumbled out of the truck, feeling quite ill when he realized he had actually just jumped from that height. Several people asked if he was okay, but here was no time for him to tell them that he was fine. Vash would be copying the daring move before long and he had to get as far away as he could if he at all valued his life, which he did much more after that near-suicidal jump.

There were only two people in Corning who could stop Vash the Stampede's rage-filled rampage and Wolfwood needed to get to them before his time ran out, or before the sheriff got called in to the picture.

Summoning the last of his energy, he ran as fast as he could to his final destination. It was none other than where the chase had begun: Hotel Johnston.


	7. Chapter 7

**CHAPTER 7**

It was a normal morning for the girls after their late night secret beard-shaving escapade. It started out normally enough, anyways.

"Good morning, Meryl!" Millie trilled, already showered and dressed for work.

Meryl mumbled something incoherent from her bed.

"Don't worry; I'm going to get your coffee now!" Millie said. She wasn't much of a coffee drinker, but her fellow insurance agent needed it or she'd never wake up. This week was especially bad, probably because Meryl had gotten used to their vacation schedule where she had gotten to sleep in every day. Thankfully, the hotel offered complimentary coffee in the lobby.

Millie was just stepping out the door to retrieve the beverage when she heard the sound of someone rushing up the staircase. A scruffy-looking man in his pajamas burst in to the hallway. Judging from his appearance, he might have just finished running a ten ile marathon.

"Ah! Millie! You've gotta help me!" the man exclaimed upon sighting her.

"Mr. Wolfwood?" The ragged man sure did look like him.

"It's Vash! He's pissed about his beard and he's trying to kill me!" the priest sobbed. His head whipped around at the sound of feet stomping up the stairs. "Oh God, he's coming! Hide me, please!" Wolfwood begged.

"He can't be that mad, can he?" Millie said.

Suddenly, a tall man with crazy-looking blond hair appeared at the end of the hallway. His eyes looked like those of a wild animal. His teeth were borne in a snarl that only widened when he sighted Wolfwood. One side of his scowling face was covered with a beard while the other was bare.

Millie's eyes widened considerably. "Oh, he is."

Wolfwood shrieked and cowered behind the tall girl.

Vash deliberately approached the insurance agent and panicky priest. "Wolfwood…" he growled.

"I'm not here," Wolfwood squeaked.

"Yes you are, I can see you," the outlaw said. "Hand him over, Millie!"

"Why do you want him, Mr. Vash?" the girl asked innocently.

"Look what he did to me!" Vash said, angrily jabbing a finger at the half a beard on his face.

Millie shook her head. "No, it couldn't have been Mr. Wolfwood. He would _never_ do such a thing to you!"

"Then who did it?" Vash demanded. "No one else was in my room last night, except him!" The outlaw shot eye-daggers at Wolfwood, who clasped his chest like they had actually stabbed him.

An idea began forming in Millie's mind.

"Uh oh," she said, sounding alarmed.

"What?" Vash asked.

"Was your window open last night?"

"Yeah, I think so." The gunman cocked his head, wondering what she was getting at.

"Oh no," Millie gasped. "It must have been the Beard Bandits!"

"The _what_?" Vash looked incredulous.

"You haven't heard of the Beard Bandits?" The blond gunman shook his head. "Oh, they've been all over the news! The Beard Bandits are a terrible band of pranksters that sneak in open windows at night. They shave off innocent people's beards, or even worse:" The insurance agent narrowed her eyes and dropped her voice to a whisper for dramatic effect. "only half."

Vash gasped in fear. "That's… that's horrible!" He straightened up, looking as dignified as a sweaty, messy-haired, half-bearded man in his pajamas could. "I will catch these Beard Bandits and save the rest of the bearded populace from their atrocious jokes!" the Humanoid Typhoon vowed.

He bent down to look at Wolfwood. "Sorry about that, roomie!" Vash apologized, embarrassed. Vash's eyes got all far-away looking. "Having a beard… it changes you."

He then marched off to his hotel room like a soldier with a mission.

Behind her, Wolfwood sighed in relief. "Thanks, hon, that saved my life!"

"Aww, it was nothing," Millie blushed.

The two of them hugged.

Meryl finally made it out of bed and saw her co-worker hugging an exhausted-looking Wolfwood in his pajamas in the hallway through the open door. She stared in confusion for a moment, than finally asked, "Did I miss something?"

Millie and Wolfwood exchanged glances. The latter exhaled tiredly.

"You have _no_ idea," he sighed.

"Vash made a scene, didn't he?" Meryl groaned.

Wolfwood nodded slowly. "He sure did."

**Author's notes!**

Hey everyone! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I can't even tell you how long I've wanted to write about the Beard Bandits!  
I know I've been updating just about every day, but after today the updates are going to become sparse again since I've been on school break and today is the last day of said break. I appreciate the reviews and heck, just the fact people are reading this! Thank you very much!


	8. Chapter 8

**CHAPTER 8**

"Wolfwood, do you see any Beard Bandits?"

The man in question snorted. "For the millionth time, Spikey, no, I do _not_ see them."

Vash had been bent on capturing the "Beard Bandits" that had supposedly absconded with half of his facial hair. In reality, they were just a story Millie had created to spare Wolfwood from the outlaw's wrath. The priest began to wonder if Vash's revenge would have been more tolerable than the current situation he found himself in.

The blond gunman peered over his shoulder at his "roomie." "Hey, you're not even looking. How do you know that they're not out there, plotting to remove some other innocent's beard, huh?"

Vash had flat-out refused to shave off the rest of his facial fuzz, stubbornly holding on to the remnants of his beloved beard. He looked absolutely ridiculous.

"I don't know, Spikey. I'm freaking starving," Wolfwood responded grouchily. He rummaged through what little they had for food purposes, which merely consisted of a half-full box of doughnuts and a jar of peanut butter. _Aw, great,_ the clergyman thought. He made a mental note that he should go grocery shopping soon.

Wolfwood slumped in a chair at the table, deciding he'd rather eat peanut butter straight from the jar instead of another God-forsaken doughnut, and flipped through the day's paper. He and Vash had made the headlines: CRAZY PERSON FORCES MAN TO JUMP FROM SAND-STEAMER, MIRACULOUSLY SURVIVES FALL. Thank goodness the gunman hadn't been wearing his red coat or had his hair spiked—that would've been disastrous if the citizens of Corning saw that Vash the Stampede was making people jump off of sand-steamers.

Before long, the priest had polished off the peanut butter, read the entire newspaper as well as completed the daily crossword, showered, and was just about ready to call it a night. Conversely, Vash had stayed at the window since the suns had set. It was close to eleven o'clock now.

"Good night, Spikey," Wolfwood said as he settled down in to his bed.

Vash was suddenly standing above him with his hands on his hips.

"You're not sleeping tonight, Wolfwood."

The clergyman stared at his roommate, confused. "Why?"

"You're helping me watch for the Beard Bandits," the outlaw explained, pulling the priest out of bed and depositing him in front of the window.

"No, I'm going to sleep," Wolfwood protested, heading back to his bed.

Vash's hands tightened on Wolfwood's shoulders. "No one in this room is sleeping until we catch the Beard Bandits." The look in the outlaw's eyes frightened Wolfwood; it could only be described as insanity. "Not. One. Wink."

Vash's craze with catching the imaginary Beard Bandits was revealed to the girls when they encountered a zombie-like Wolfwood, who relayed that his roommate hadn't allowed him to sleep for three days now due to a futile watch for the non-existent thieves. Pity was taken upon the poor priest, and he now was fast asleep in the insurance agents' hotel room.

"Gee, I didn't think that Mr. Vash would take the story so seriously," Millie said.

Meryl rubbed her temples. "He's taking this whole beard thing way too far," she sighed. "We _have_ to find some way to get rid of it as soon as possible. Who knows what in the world he'll do next…"

The shorter insurance agent had nearly exploded when she'd read the newspaper a few days ago about the scene Vash had made. Now a sleep-deprived Wolfwood was passed out in her hotel room. Meryl didn't even want to think of what kind of situation Vash's beard-related antics would land them in next. She had a feeling that it would involve writing reports. Lots and lots of them.

All of a sudden, a brilliant plan dawned upon her.

"I've got it!" Meryl exclaimed a bit louder than she'd anticipated.

Both girls quickly glanced over at Wolfwood. He hadn't woken up, thank goodness.

"I think we can use Vash's obsession with the Beard Bandits to finally get rid of the rest of that beard," Meryl explained, quieter. "Here's my idea…"

Millie listened and nodded in agreement. "Yes, that should work."

Meryl grinned. This plan was foolproof, or at least Vashproof. And if all went well, she would no longer have to look at Vash's beard and his face would be the way it should be…

_Wait—why should I care what Vash looks like? _Meryl thought as she caught herself thinking about how nice it would be to see the blond-haired liability's face clean-shaven again. _Ah, why did I have to start liking him like that?_ she despaired inwardly.

With some effort, Meryl brought her mind back to the task at hand. As soon as Wolfwood was fully rested, the final strike against the Humanoid Typhoon's beard would begin.

Oh, it was going to be good.


	9. Chapter 9

**CHAPTER 9**

Vash the Stampede sat at the window, vigilantly watching for the Beard Bandits. In his right hand rested his fuzzy chin and the left idly tapped the window frame in a steady rhythm. Sure, he hadn't seen the beard-shaving pranksters for three days now, but that didn't mean they weren't out there!

_Where'd Wolfwood go,_ Vash wondered as he looked for the bandits. _He went out for a smoke more then four hours ago. What's taking him so long?_

A horrible thought occurred to the outlaw. _Oh no! What if the Beard Bandits caught him? _He decided that the Beard Bandits wouldn't go after his "roomie"—Wolfwood didn't have a beard, he just forgot to shave once in a while and his chin got stubbly, but that was it. Vash was considering going out to look for the missing priest when, as if on cue, Wolfwood burst into the room.

"Spikey!" he shouted.

"There you are, Wolfwood! Where did you disappear to?" Vash asked.

"It's the Beard Bandits!" Wolfwood exclaimed, "I saw them, they're in this hotel!"

"The Beard Bandits?!" The outlaw leapt to his feet. "Where are they? I must take them down once and for all!"

"Quick, this way!" the priest ran out of the room, beckoning Vash to follow. The blond gunman needed no second invitation; in a whirlwind of red coat, he tore after Wolfwood. Finally, he'd be catching the pranksters who had dared to shave his beautiful beard! They'd be wishing that they'd never even thought of shaving innocent bearded citizens in the first place once he got a hold of them! Oh, they'd be sorry!

"Ah, there they go!" Wolfwood frantically motioned at an open door.

Vash charged through the doorway. "I've got you now, Beard Bandits!" the gunman laughed triumphantly. He stopped when he realized it was pitch dark.

"Geez, Wolfwood, I can't see a thing. Can you turn on a light?"

No one answered. No light turned on.

"Wolfwood?" Vash called.

Still no answer.

"Beard Bandits?"

Absolute silence.

"Light switch?" he asked desperately. Vash was beginning to wonder what on Gunsmoke was going on when the light switch seemingly heard his inquiry. Light suddenly was everywhere and Vash blinked hard to clear the little colored dots from his vision. He noted that he was in the hotel's laundry room. There weren't any Beard Bandits here, just… the insurance girls?

"Oh, hey girls," Vash greeted them. "Wolfwood said there were Beard Bandits here, do you see them? Did you catch them?" he asked hopefully.

Neither girl said anything. They started towards the blond, half-bearded outlaw.

"What's going on?" Vash asked, starting to feel frightened. He then noticed something in Meryl's hand and shrieked: it was the most horrible thing in the world—a razor!

Vash was starting to flee when Meryl shouted, "Get him, Millie!"

The tall insurance agent caught Vash in one heck of a headlock. Meryl approached the restrained gunman with the dreaded shaving razor in her hand. The Humanoid Typhoon shrieked girlishly and tried to escape Millie's grasp.

"Now be a good outlaw and don't move," Meryl instructed.

"Never!" Vash cried. He continued to flail until Meryl whipped out the second most frightening thing she possibly could: the can of pepper spray. The terrible little can loomed inches from his eyes.

"You don't want me to use this, now, would you?" the shorter insurance agent said, threateningly.

The outlaw froze. Not only did he want to avoid getting an eyeful of pepper spray, he had realized something absolutely horrendous.

"You're the Beard Bandits, aren't you?"

"I suppose you could call us that," Millie said, smiling sweetly.

Vash's jaw gaped in shock as he stared dumbly at the girls.

"I'm sorry Vash, but that beard… it has to go," Meryl apologized.

"But… but why?" the outlaw sobbed. "Why do you hate my beard?"

Meryl sighed. "It just doesn't look good on you," she admitted.

"It makes you look like a lumberjack," Millie added.

"I thought it looked rather dashing," Vash pouted.

Meryl shook her head no. "Far from it, I'm sorry to say." She was closing in on Vash's face with the razor. "Stay still now, this is for your own good."

There was no hope for Vash to escape the "Beard Bandits." Millie had him trapped in the strongest headlock he'd ever been in, and Meryl would definitely give him an eyeful of pepper spray if he continued to resist. The battle was a lost cause.

With great sorrow, the defeated outlaw wished his beard a final, fond goodbye.

**Author's notes!**

Hello readers! I'd like to thank everyone who has read the story and left reviews, they really made me want to continue writing. I have to thank my friend TwilightStar7 once again, this time for her brilliant idea of Millie putting Vash in a headlock. She originally had used it in a story of her own and she kindly allowed me to use it in my story. Stay tuned for one more chapter, folks! Thanks again!


	10. Chapter 10

**CHAPTER 10**

Vash once again looked like his old self, save for the melancholy expression on his now cleanly-shaven face. He hadn't said much to the girls (also known as the Beard Bandits) since their attack, although that hadn't been much more than half an hour ago. Meryl was just glad that the blond liability was once again bearable to look at. She now wished that Vash'd cheer up, but knowing Vash, he wouldn't.

He sat opposite Meryl at the table, looking like some little kid who just had his lunch money stolen. It was only her and Vash in the room as Wolfwood and Millie took off after ten minutes of observing the moping gunman. She couldn't blame them; it certainly wasn't the most exciting pastime in the world. In fact, it was more boring than writing insurance reports, if that was even possible.

"Vash…"

The outlaw looked up at his name, slowly and sadly. Meryl had to hold back an irritated groan. He was _really_ overdoing it, but what other kind of reaction was she expecting from Vash, a normal one? Like that would happen.

"Vash, will you get over it already?" Meryl pleaded.

The gunman shook his head no. "That was the greatest beard I'd ever had," he lamented.

_Leave it to Vash to get sentimental over a beard, of all things,_ Meryl thought, with an exasperated sigh escaping her. Drastic measures had to be taken to help the crazy outlaw, even if it meant actually _telling _Vash that he looked good.

"Would you feel better if I told you that you looked much better without it?" the insurance agent asked.

"Really?" Vash sounded like he didn't quite believe her.

Meryl nodded. "Yes, really."

Vash offered his pinky finger to Meryl and asked in all seriousness, "Pinky swear?"

The request took Meryl by surprise. "As long as you promise not to grow another beard when I'm around," she replied.

Vash nodded. "We have a deal, then."

He wrapped his little finger around Meryl's and they proceeded to share a pinky handshake. The whole idea of pinky swears seemed silly to Meryl, but it seemed to satisfy Vash. His face brightened up considerably.

"I guess not having a beard won't be so bad," the outlaw stated, giving her a roguish grin.

The insurance agent shook her head with a smile on her face. The old, beardless Vash was back. Perhaps her life would become somewhat normal again for a week or two.

"Can I at least have a goatee?" the outlaw asked hopefully.

Horrendous visions of a horrendous goateed Vash causing horrendous fiascos immediately filled Meryl's mind. She glared at the blond gunman in order to quell these ideas in his silly spikèd head.

Vash giggled nervously. "Just kidding."

Meryl crossed her arms across her chest and smiled. "I thought so." Vash cautiously returned the smile, starting small but quickly growing into a typical Vash the Stampede grin.

Maybe a life following after the trail of the first Localized Disaster would not be a normal one in any aspect, but at least the Disaster himself wasn't that bad. Vash was definitely a good person, if not very strange.

Meanwhile, a random thought had occurred to Wolfwood.

"How would I look with a beard?" he wondered aloud.

Millie studied the priest for a moment. "You'd look like a ruffian," she finally concluded.

**THE END**

**Author's notes!**

Thus ends my first multi-chaptered Trigun story! I hope you enjoyed it!  
Some thanks are in order:  
Thanks to TwlightStar7 once again, for her constant listening to me ramble about ideas and her input. The line about Wolfwood looking like a ruffian was her comment about a bearded Wolfwood I drew! Thank you!!

Also, thanks to TMNTgrl, who was always the first to review the chapters as I uploaded!

Thanks to They Might Be Giants for writing the song "Why Did You Grow A Beard?"

And thanks to everyone who read this!! I appreciate it!


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